Promised Profundity

Last Friday evening at my father's retirement party, I saw several people I hadn't seen in years. Ten to be precise. There I was, chatting with parents of my old classmates, reporting on what I am doing with my life. As they told me about their children's careers like physical therapist and teacher of underprivileged children in New Orleans, I boldly claimed mother as mine. I was proud (and a little surprised) that I didn't even wince. (Yes, it has taken me almost three years of being a mother to love my choice to leave my teaching career behind so much that I don't feel insecure when my new vocation is held up against those more heralded by the world.)

And as I told of how I love my two sons and being home with them all day and how I am so thankful we can afford for me to do so, some thought began to occupy my mind.

"Did you make mothering your career today? Are you taking your career seriously? Are you putting the mothering part of your job first (and not the cleaning part, the organizing part, the decorating part, the cooking part, the exercising part, or the blogging about all of it part)? Do you spend more time working on puzzles with Blaine or tidying puzzles? Do you snuggle with Rog or do you just change his diapers and send him on his merry way?"

Of course you have to clean, change diapers, pay bills, take the garbage out, and fold laundry. Those are all part of the gig. But sometimes I get so obsessed with checking things off my to-do list, that I don't just sit down and play with my children. Some days it's "how can I keep you occupied so I can do what I want to do?" Don't get me wrong. Mothers have needs too. But am I balancing? Prioritizing?

Sometimes I do things like facebook or blog and let me kids run amok. "Holy cow," I said to Taylor after the retirement party epiphany. "I am one of those people who plays solitaire at work!" Again, don't get me wrong. I am not condemning me (and maybe you) for taking time for personal things. I am, however, advocating that people like me reevaluate how we spend each day.

This has got me thinking about job performance and security. If I were going in to work every day I would theoretically work hard and stay on-task all day, right? Concerned about keeping my job, hopefully getting a raise, and keeping my good name, I would be doing everything in my power to perform well. Do I do that as a career mother? Obviously I don't have to worry about job security--I get to keep this job forever! But I sincerely think this is the most important job on the planet. And don't my children deserve my very best?

So I am trying to be more mindful each day of balance. Today when I tried to write this the first time, I played Perfection with Blaine instead. When I tried to write it the second time, I had a PB and banana snack with Blaine instead. And while I'm writing it right now a naked Blaine (potty training-wish us luck!) is sitting on my shoulders and his lemon sucker (potty training-wish us luck!) is now stuck in my ponytail. And I am (sincerely) loving every minute.