Friday, May 15, 2009

Love note

Dear Taylor,

I was really proud of myself while you were gone. I really held it together. Even though Blaine went on a hitting spree that nearly killed me (and all the other children we came in contact with), I worked harder than ever to stay calm with him and not yell. When I felt water on my feet, standing on our bedroom carpet, I found help to diagnose the problem and called the right peeps to make the builder take care of it. I surrounded myself with projects and friends so I wouldn't feel lonely. I practically took up residence at my parents' house and let my mother be my aide. I watched chick flicks at night to keep my happy. I let people at church serve me as they scooped up my children, unasked, when they could see I was overwhelmed. I worked hard. I tried not to complain. I want to be that kind of woman. For you.

But I was not whole. And our boys felt a void. Even if they could not explain it, I know they felt it. My understanding of marriage and partnership grew. I missed you immeasurably. Your emails and texts were like oxygen. And I couldn't get enough.

So even though I know I can be happy on my own, and I even mowed the lawn--I'm happier with you here. I'm complete with you here. It may be fun to watch Friends re-runs at 11:30 and have sleepovers with my mom, but it's more fun to plant vegetables and cook pasta with you. It's more fun to go yard saling, to watch you wrestle with your boys, to laugh my guts out while you explain all the reasons you'd rather pass on the beverage service and hold your bladder on an 11-hour flight than use the airplane lavatory. I have learned how to be happy when you are gone, but I'm happiest when you're here with us. Happiest watching The Office with you in our cozy bed, making plans for our future, listening to you try to convince me that we will, in fact, have another girl in this family, laughing about our fashion choices in the mid '90s, buying groceries... Pretty much doing anything with you. That's when I'm happiest.

It's good to have you home.



families are forever said...


lori said...

mmmmm. Love that.

Joan said...

Could not love that picture of you two more. In fact, it tickled me so that I giggled out loud when I pulled up the full view of it. I love you both.
Ps: practically dislocated my shoulder raising my arm high to the sky for Tay's Bakery.