Monday, May 4, 2009

Week of Blaine: Grand Finale

(Dearest readers, I know weeks do not end on Mondays.  Please bear with me and my computer problems.)

my two loves, 2006

Three years ago I found myself with a tiny, handsome (grown-up looking!), hairy (his head!) little babe.  He cried a LOT.  I cried a LOT.  I loved him, but I didn't know what I had gotten myself into.  For months the colic lasted.  He required the most aggressive Irish soft shoe dancing I could possibly do, while bundled up in the tightest burrito imaginable.  

It took me months to find my mothering groove.  I began to find it sometime around the creation of this blog.  Blaine was nearly one by the time I finally fancied myself a mother and felt myself connecting well with him.  

Blaine's second year was the easy part.  Colic gone.  Good sleeper. Pleasant, quiet, observant boy.  I felt myself loving him evermore.

As Blaine entered the world of having a sibling, moving, and turning two all at once, he changed.  He refused to nap (and I tried everything).  He grew sassy.  His strong will became known.  We butted heads.  (Oh, did we!)  Like two years earlier, I felt out of control and at odds with my baby.  I started to believe that my current problems with my son were born out of my inability to bond with him in his infancy.  I began to picture fighting with him as a teenager and wondered if my struggle during the beginning of his life would take its toll for the rest of it.  

And then it hit me.  One day last fall, as I was talking through all of this with my friend, Danielle, I had an epiphany that changed my life.  I loved Blaine.  I had loved him in my belly, I loved him the minute he was born.  We had bonded.  We had.  It wasn't that I couldn't bond with him at first, it was that I couldn't bond with motherhood.  

Ever since realizing that, things have been different between Blaine and me.  Sure, we still butt heads.  Sure, he spent half the day Saturday in time out for hitting.  But now I never see his bad behavior or our ability to see eye-to-eye as anything but typical parenting challenges.  I'm not afraid of seeing Blaine through his teen years anymore.  I no longer worry that because I was more ready for a baby when Rog came along, that my relationships with my boys are uneven.

It wasn't him.  It was me.

So thank you, dear Blaine, for loving me and being patient with me, and teaching me how to embrace my life.  Consider us bonded.  


Sally said...

Wow, I could have totally posted that on my blog but changed the name to Samm. I felt cheated for a long time because I had such a difficult baby my first time around and we didn't bond, but I think I learned a lot from Samm that I wouldn't have from my other two. And now Samm is the best kid anyone could ask for.
I really enjoyed your week of Blaine. He is a cutie!

lori said...

Super sweet. Love you, Blaine, and your momma. Hope your birthday week was happy!

danielle said...

Gosh...good post. You know, I think we will probably all go through phases of mothering where we feel like we have a tough time finding our groove. You are just lucky to have gotten it out of the way already;)

A wise soul you are Anne.

Blaine and Roger are sure lucky to have you.