Monday, December 10, 2012

Heaven help me

{snapshots of life: Mr. Independent, new haircut, spaghetti explosion while I was nursing, best baby in the world}

The mundane, irksome to-do list that can never seem to be realized:
2 laundry baskets dripping with clothes and random riff raff in my bedroom
a pile of unwritten thank you notes from Clara gifts
to finish that hem on the slipcover it took 4 years to make

The challenge to do it all:
I want to exercise
I want my children to have a magical, memorable holiday season
I want to serve
I want to cook good meals

The deeper, meatier things on my mind and in my heart:
I am so high strung I am constantly barking at the children
I need to take more time with each individual child. More reading, more talking, more snuggling
Clara is so big. Almost three months and BIG. I waited so long for a daughter, I can't miss this. I can't let the fog around my head drown out my vision. I want to spend more time gazing at her, making her smile, breathing her in.

Most days my head spins with the thoughts of all these matters, from the trivial to the weighty. I work and work all day, trying to keep a tidy and peaceful home. The boys fight a lot and mess is everywhere. I keep working. I try to remember what I want most--to be a calm mother to my children. For them to have sweet memories of childhood. And yet most days by dinner time I am not calm and late last night the tears that had been building for days came and didn't stop for a good long while. ("Don't worry," I told Taylor. "I'm not going crazy. I'm just a girl. Sometimes you just need a good cry. I've been doing this since I was 12.")

This place in my life is good. So good. But it is HARD.

I teach the Gospel Doctrine Sunday School class at my church. Yesterday we talked about a man from the Book of Mormon who had unparalleled faith and boldness, and who called down the powers of Heaven for him and his people. As we did, it struck me deeply that I am trying to do all of this alone. And I am weak. My strength certainly does not match my task.

So this morning I prayed to God. I didn't know exactly what to say, but I started asking for some help.

I asked for power beyond my own
strength beyond my own
clarity beyond my own
patience beyond my own
vision beyond my own

And I believe I will receive it.


Rachael said...

Anne, I felt like I could have written this post (right down to teaching Gospel Doctrine!). I don't have any brilliant advice other than to say that I think you're doing exactly the right things...and that there are lots of us here in the trenches with you. It feels frantic most of the time, but we are doing a good work.

Christina said...

Anne- I could have said almost all of these same words (except I'm currently the primary president)! On Fast Sunday I bore my testimony about the realizations I've had that I'm making life harder than it needs to be because I'm trying to do it all alone. I'm working on it and trying to lean more on my Heavenly Father. It is harder than I thought, but when I succeed it is incredible. There are so many things that we feel we should be doing as mothers, and it does feel crazy. I just wanted to let you know I can relate!

Emily said...

Oh, how this resonates. I love how you captured the juxtaposition of the trivial and the meaty ... So true for us mama's, carrying out the million little details during our days while holding the heavy heart matters close. Beautifully written! And a very excellent reminder to turn to the Giver of all things for the strength we need and lack in ourselves.

Emily Anne said...

I cried last night, too.

And prayed.

We should go to breakfast again soon.


Melissa said...

You will. :)

Melissa said...

I don't know if this will help, but I am constantly feeling overwhelmed with being a mom and feel I need to be more patient, etc, etc, etc... I read this talk yesterday and it made me feel a little better about just enjoying the moment I am in even though it is super hard and not waiting until later to be happy.

Brooke said...

So beautifully written. What to say but, "Amen?"

Brittanie said...

I have never met you but loved Bloom and have checked your blog every now and then since.

My favorite recent thing... that you didn't post a ton after having a baby. You are real. I just (okay 4 months ago) had baby number 4 and my oldest turned 7 two weeks ago. We moved twice in the first month after my 4th was born. My head is just now pulling out of the fog and I feel the same way.

4 has been harder for us. Could be lots of things but mostly feeling overwhelmingly like there is no longer enough time, strength, patience, and on and on.

I have been praying extra hard to understand my children and that is helping most with the patience part. Instead of instant frustration which has plagued me I will have a thought of why and can calm a situation quickly.

Good luck and thanks again for being real.

Elise said...

Amen sister. Perfectly written.

Heather said...

I love every single bit of this. So much.

Jayne said...

I love this post Anne. I feel like that is the plight and prayer of every mom who wants to be a good mom. And sometimes, going through the craziness is worth it all when you do receive the inspiration.
And by the way, you look so beautiful!