Monday, March 12, 2012

my latest mission

{unrelated pic: adventurin' in Ashland.
I think we need to buy two baby backpacks!}


Thank you for your kind words and congratulations on Cropper #6! Holy cow--family of 6! To answer a few questions, I am feeling pretty well. Barfy if I don't eat often and very tired, but honestly, I'm doing just fine. I am due September 22nd, which makes me 12 weeks along. Of course lots of people are wishing a girl for me, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that's what I'm desperately hoping for. At the same time, I'm four-square against getting my hopes up, so--as with the last one--I am 100% planning on a boy, and try to not even entertain the idea of a girl. That might sound strange, but it's how I avoid disappointment. Plus, every time I snuggle up with Carter and make him giggle and pinch his soft cheeks, I think, who could be disappointed with another one like this?

The following is something I wrote back in January, the day I learned I was pregnant. I thought you might be interested to know some more about this baby, since most people I announce my pregnancy to automatically assume it was unplanned! As a note, I weaned Carter about a month ago, which has resulted in him sleeping completely through the night-- so things are getting simpler.

Last night I crawled back into bed at 3:30 a.m. after going up to feed Carter and put him back to sleep. I lay there next to Taylor's warm body, under my fluffy white comforter and quilt thinking, "It should feel crazy that I am up with a baby at night still rather often and might be pregnant. But it doesn't. I feel calm."

I feel the same way this morning after the clearly positive pregnancy test (the one I took a few days ago was very faint and unconvincing). I feel determined to be stoic through the sickness and to work well with food so my poor family isn't starving. I feel excited for Carter to have a close little friend.

I think I feel that sense of calm confidence because I feel like I am answering a call. I acted on a prompting from God and so I don't feel scared or overwhelmed. But only because I know I will have to rely heavily on Him and His power. Often as a mother I have had to remind myself that as a full time missionary I constantly relied on the Lord for strength, and that I should do that more as a mother. With this pregnancy beginning I feel that intrinsically, without needing a reminder. This is totally new and different. This is the smallest space in children we've ever had. This is the first time I have ever been nursing and pregnant simultaneously. And when I look at the whole situation--4 children under the age of six, being sick and sore and pregnant with a small toddler--it does look daunting. But when I consider the scripture that carried me through my mission, I don't feel daunted.
"For I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." --Philippians 4:13

The 'call' I referred to in this little journal entry wasn't dramatic. It was neither an angelic visitation nor a visionary dream. It was just me, one day, when Carter was very new, sitting on my bed. 'The next one is coming soon,' the quiet impression came. 'Let it come.'

As a Mormon, I believe in personal revelation. That God communicates with his children. And, in a very simple, small way, I felt him communicate with me that day.

When I told Taylor about it, he was all in. He's always wanted children close together anyway, and there's nothing he wants more than to be a young dad!

So here we are. Some days I feel like this is totally doable--I got this. Other days Taylor has to talk me down off my crazy ledge. But this is what we want and what we signed up for. And we know it is no slight blessing to be granted another child.



emily said...

i love this!
i've loved your blog but don't think i've ever commented ...
i am a long-time dear friend of your amazing sister, liz - and found your blog from hers a while back. ;)
i read w/interest your birth story w/carter as i had my little josiah just a short time later (last april). and now, we just learned i am pregnant (11 wks) - so i smiled and celebrated in reading that you are right there as well.
i can totally relate to the vacillating feelings: total joy and gratitude at this blessing of LIFE, AND periodic overwhelm at the thought of 2 babes so close in age.
{i am still nursing and little josiah is not a great nighttime sleeper, so i am slightly panicked about that, to be honest ... but hopefully our current "sleep-training" will work. HA!}
blessings to your precious family!

Lessa said...

What a lovely story. I too had a similar experience just days after the birth of my newest daughter. It was clear as day that there's another girl who wants very badly to come to this family whenever we're ready for her. And it scares me to death! I so loved reading this because it has helped give me the courage and remember that with the Lord I can do all things, even the ones that seem impossible at times.

Chris and Hay said...

Ah we're so excited for you guys! Hope that you continue to feel well (and not barfy every :) You're such great parents, that is one lucky baby!!

Joan said...

What a blessing, Anne. I have never had an experience like this one (in regard to child bearing).
You and Taylor are an powerful duo. Your children are blessed to have such faithful parents.

Alicia said...

I assumed it was planned! I know you want lots of babies. You are a fantastic mom and those babies are in good care! Elinor and Johnny are super close together. Totally doable! Especially with other helpers. I'm so excited for you! And that we are due 15 days apart. Wish we were closer. Congrats again!

jeanine said...

I'll cross my fingers for a girl for you... I was hoping #4 was a girl too... but 4 boys is really a lot of fun too! However, if we go for 5 I really will be sad if it's not a girl!

Jacque said...

Congrats! September 22nd is a great birthday! Maybe that is a day of girls or something. But good luck and can't wait for more updates.

Lorraine said...

anne, i love you! and i am so pumped for you. congrats. and i would lie if i said i didn't hope you are having a girl...

Sugar... said...

Anne, congrats on #4! That is really exciting, and it is also daunting. ;) And you'll find that at your lowest moments, somehow you'll be lifted up, by either your husband, a friend, or your other kids. Ironically, I had one of those moments yesterday. I am SO exhausted this pregnancy, and I was laying on the couch drifting in and out of sleep, it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and I could not muster the energy or will to make the boys some lunch! Sounds silly, but it almost made me cry to think about peeling myself off that couch to go fix yet another meal! All of a sudden, I got a burst of energy that allowed me to not only make lunch, but to clean my kitchen from dinner the night before (we had family over until late, so it was still messy). I had written a text to Jeff earlier in the day telling him how tired I was, and I didn't read his reply until after lunch and cleanup. He had written me at exactly 1 o'clock saying, "That's funny, because I all of a sudden felt inspired to pray for you to have extra strength today." Little miracles like that will get you through! And you are strong and capable, and it will all be OK. Sending positive thoughts your way, and hoping that you get through the sick stage of pregnancy soon!

Honey said...

Congratulations, Anne! I think you will love having your babes close together. I do. :)

Looking forward to your House Tour!

(Christina's SIL)

Rachael said...

Anne, I had a very similar experience after my third baby was born--I remember sitting in the hospital the night of his birth, looking down at this precious newborn bundle, and I very distinctly heard a voice telling me that there was another baby who was coming soon. Our third and fourth are our closest (21 months) and I won't lie to you, it's been pretty rough at times with 4 under 6, but wonderful all the same. It helps so much to know--as you write in your post--that I am doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do.

So thanks for sharing your thoughts--these really resonated with me.

families are forever said...

"For I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." --Philippians 4:13 One of my favorites!!! You are so inspiring!