Raising Me

{I asked Taylor to take this non-candid candid of me for this post.  Here I am in Grandma Tillie's dress and shoes that Cookie would approve of (OK  let's be honest, she would have bought them for me.)  I don't know how bloggers do this kind of thing every day.  It is so embarrassing!  

You should see the outtakes.}

{I suppose this is what got me thinking:} 

I started reading Women At Church by Neylan McBaine.  (That amazing book deserves its own separate post and if you're a Mormon woman, do yourself a favor and locate a copy immediately.)
In the beginning, she reflects on the many women (not just Mormon, of course) who have influenced and shaped her life, her mother being at the top of the list.



{Yesterday, during the third hour at church, where we meet with just women in Relief Society, I took these notes on my phone:}

I have been feeling so alone and isolated lately. Singing the opening hymn in RS today I was thinking about Cookie (because it's October and because I'm wearing fabulous shoes) and I could not hold back the tears. I miss her desperately. I am thinking now of the women in my life who have shaped me and are now gone from me. I am realizing that the older I get, the more I have to be the strong woman who helps shape her daughters and nieces and others. I need to lift and serve after the manner of those who have lifted and blessed me. It feels daunting but I believe in the strength God will give me.



I sat there with my head down, while everyone else around me was singing, and just tried my best not to sob out loud.  I sniffled, breathed deeply, and tried to prevent my mascara from turning goth.  But all I could think about was Cookie, Grandma Tillie, both of my grandmothers, my adopted grandma, Erma... all gone from me for now.  I wanted to sit at Cookie's kitchen table, drinking that yummy Dole juice she always had in her magnet-bedecked fridge.  I wanted her to tell me something funny about how Uncle Frank is driving her to drink.  I wanted to snitch cookie dough with Grandma Tillie and have her tell me that in her old age she's not worth a hoot or a holler anymore.  I wanted Erma to come and teach my kids all the card games she taught me.  I wanted Grandma's bread and a shopping date with Nana.  And then I thought about my mother, and how most of these women were also mentors and models and nurturers to her.  She carries the torch now and someday it will be me.

Clearly I am still only 33, and there are many women in my life still shaping me.  My mother (at the top of my list), my mother-in-law, my sisters and sisters-in-law, Cookie's daughter, Holly, countless friends and soul sisters.  I don't have any sort of torch to carry quite yet.  But this little emotional moment yesterday has gotten me thinking about the circle of life (why did Disney have to take that expression and make me feel so dorky using it?) and the great eternal sisterhood that I am privileged to be a part of.   I couldn't dream up better mentors and nurturers and wisdom bearers than I have had.  And I look to them and to God to build me to be likewise strong and seasoned and wise and patient and good and gentle and loving (and fun! and bold! and colorful! and exciting!) so that I can be them some day.


Solidarity, sisters!  I love you all.  Thanks for being part of my circle.

xo
anne

"Every girl. Everywhere. Period."

I like Humanitarian Aid projects.  I loved driving around one hot summer Saturday with my Dad in his red pick-up truck, collecting grocery sacks full of canned food that neighbors had left out for a food drive.  I like chipping in and buying extra school supplies every September for local kids in need.  I am enthralled and moved as I read about clean water being brought to remote, poor countries.  I am amazed every time a natural disaster hits and the Red Cross and Mormons are on site practically immediately to deliver aid.  These are all touching, worthy efforts.  And I think they really are the pinnacle of the Christian experience.  In doing these things we become tools in the hands of God to care for His children.

But not a one of them has ever made me feel like this one.

This summer my sister-in-law, Rebecca, was visiting.  One day she mentioned on the phone that she was up at her parents' home, sewing sani pads.  {'You are doing what, exactly?' I replied.}  Then she proceeded to tell me about her upcoming trip to Haiti.  She is an RN, and she is accompanying her anesthesiologist husband and family practice doc father-in-law to give aid in various ways while there.  One of her missions is to bring reusable sanitary pads to young women.  Women, are you ready to hear this?  In Haiti, as well as many African nations and surely elsewhere, women have no access to the Kotex and Tampax we SO TAKE FOR GRANTED.  Therefore, when their periods come, girls take to stuffing their pants with whatever they can find--newspaper, mattress stuffing, corn husks.  Yes, I just said corn husks.  As you might imagine, infections aren't uncommon.  And the truth of it is, they are humiliated.  So, when that period hits, they stay home from school until it passes.  Missing one week out of every month takes its toll.  They get behind.  They drop out.  And their lives go down hill fast.  But.  When these women can get access to sanitary products, their lives are literally changed.  As inspired and guided by an organization called Days For Girls, Rebecca has made it her mission to put together as many kits as she can to take down to Haiti.  When various friends and family members learned of it, we jumped on board.

I contacted the Relief Society president in my ward.  She immediately fell in love with the cause, we formed a planning committee, and the women came out it full force to make the contents of 70 kits.  Each kit is contained in a drawstring bag (made by our darling young women in the ward), and consists of 2 pairs of undies, 2 sanitary liners (picture a maxi pad with wings, only made of washable, reusable fabric and with a snap for holding the wings together), and 6 inserts (basically squares of flannel or terry cloth that you tri-fold and put in the insert).  It's a similar concept to the cloth diapers you see these days.

Like I said, I have never been so drawn to a Humanitarian project.  The response we got from the women in our ward was immediate and enthusiastic.  We kept saying to each other, "I am so excited about this project!"  I think because there is nothing we relate to  more as women.  Can you imagine not having access to these things and reaching for the corn husks?  It rips my heart out.

For a month we gathered fabrics, bought undies, began cutting according to the patterns, and organized machines for the big night.  Then we all came together for many hours on a Thursday evening to put it all together.  There is nothing more dear to my heart than fifty beautiful women taking great care to cut and sew and serge and fold, so that their young sisters in Haiti can know the dignity they deserve, without having to drop out of school or job opportunities.  This is lifting up the heads that hang down.

I live in a big, brand new home.  I have a van that works great and a fridge full of food.  Not to mention a healthy body and a sound mind.  And yet, shockingly, I often get caught up in feeling frustrated with my life or sorry for myself.  I can create stress out of nothing and become upset by utter nonsense.  First world problems, right?  I am so grateful for opportunities like this to have a window into what is going on in the lives of my dear, beautiful Haitian sisters.  Thank you, Rebecca, for inspiring us to forget ourselves and do something real and life altering for these gorgeous, bright daughters of God.

{You can help! www.daysforgirls.org}

Renewed

2014 is looking good. It's the first New Years in three years that I didn't ring in with a virus, so that's always helpful. More importantly, after a long, chaotic summer and a lot of autumn days that left me feeling flat, weak, helpless, and exhausted (parenting is hard I tell you. HARD.), I feel more refreshed and hopeful than ever. I have energy and faith for the new year. And, as per usual, I have about 9 billion goals and resolutions. One of which is to blog more often.

And.

I have reflected over and over again in the last couple of years that the negative, skeptical voices online seem to outweigh the positive, faith-promoting ones. I am going to try to do my part to help with that imbalance. But that is a scary goal. Not because I'm scared of promoting faith or telling my story. But because I am tender-hearted. I don't do well with confrontation or mean-spirited criticism. I can hardly stand to read hateful comments on any comment thread, let alone MINE. So, will you do me a favor? If you don't have nice things to say, maybe just don't read my posts on faith/religion. And if you don't agree with me, will you at least promise to be gracious and courteous? I will do the same.

With that, here are two things that have been on my mind and in my heart:

1. For Christmas last year, my sister gifted us with a print of Brian Kershisnek's Nativity. (If you have the chance to see the original (BYU Museum of Art), TAKE IT. Breathtaking.) For Christmas this year, my mom had it framed for us. I can't stop looking at it. I adore that Mary is nursing the Christ child and that Joseph looks absolutely overwhelmed. I love the presence of the midwives and the symbolic mother dog and her puppies. I love the bold blue sky. And the angels. Oh, the angels!  I love them--individually and collectively.  I'm going to hang it in my home all year round. Celebrating Jesus isn't a once a year thing for us. I believe God is my Father. And I believe He sent His son to save us.  I believe that makes each human being on this earth my brother or sister. And my job is to love them all.

 2. Yesterday I was in my van a lot. Running errands, schlepping Roger to Kindermusik, etc. Though I'd heard it many times, I listened to an Alison Krauss song, 'There is a Reason,' with new wonder. I played it over and over, until I had it all memorized. I love every word and it sings the feelings in my heart at this time of renewal.
 

Happy New Year, friends!
xoxo
anne

Happy Birthday Clara Deer

My little deerie Clara turned one last week and don't you worry, I wasn't caught unprepared.  I threw a giant family party with a theme I'd been planning for basically all of her life.  The inspiration came from these birch tree paper straws:

I fell in love with them on Pinterest one day last year and I knew--it had to be a woodland theme.  So I saved out all of my forest creature and toadstool ornaments after Christmas last year instead of sending them back to the attic.  And I picked up a few things here and there.  Like a crazy kitschy pinecone and squirrel cookie jar I spied at my parents' cabin. 

I wish the party hadn't been on a darkish, rainy evening, so my pictures were a bit more picturesque, but you'll get the idea...

For dinner I requested Taylor to make his amazing shepherd's pie because it's full of rosemary, and what's more foresty than that?!  Yum.  Jessie brought spinach salad and my MIL Mary Anne and SIL Melissa both brought amazing homemade bread.  We served our favorite sparkling lemonade in mason jars with the birch straws. 

I  made both vanilla and chocolate cupcakes, both with my vanilla bean butter cream frosting.  Always a winner.  I pretty much die about the little deer and toadstool toppers.  

 Besides all of my kitsch, I tied some perfect red dottie balloons to Clara's highchair, and re-used the doily bunting from Dan and Marisa's rehearsal dinner this summer.  I didn't get a great shot of it (great, I'm so delinquent,  I'll never be featured on a party blog ;), but it hung all through the dining room.  Very fun.

I have to say, this was maybe my most favorite party to date.  First of all, it was so amazing and fun to have so many family members there--great-grandmother, all four grandparents, great aunt, aunts, uncles, oodles of cousins, and best friends.  We are so lucky.  Plus, I adored the decor because most of it just kind of happened--it was all about one of a kind, unique, vintage, collected treasures.  It was all so sweet.

Clara was hilariously demure and hardly ate any of her cupcake...

but she made sure to feed some to me.  (I die about her expression in this photo.)

I knelt down next to her for quite a while to watch her with her first cake and just felt so complete and joyful and blessed.

It's a zoo around the Blue House most days, but a happy one.  And we are so thrilled that Clara is a part of it.

xo
anne

sources:
Birthday Crown--Little Blue Olive
Deer and Toadstool Cupcake Toppers--Layer Cake Shop
Red Dottie Balloons--Shop Sweet Lulu
Birch Tree Paper Straws--hopefully coming soon to Penny and Tillie

Spring Break Re-cap

This Easter picture pretty much sums up my life lately: trying to appear put together, but not quite makin' it!  Don't know what I love more--my squinting or Blaine's frowning.

Bad news about Spring Break: my kids broke a pack n play, a brand new bunk bed, the CD player in my car, and a few other things as well.  I wish I could say I reacted with serenity and patience.

Good news about Spring Break: I threw caution to the wind and organized fun activities and outings for every single day.  We went swimming at the Y, visited the mall's playplace, had a ball at Science Works, filled plastic easter eggs, ate at every fast food establishment in town, hiked 2 lovely spots in the valley, hunted for said easter eggs, made 'fairy gardens' with the dearest and most generous of friends, and enjoyed loads of time in the sunny outdoors with people we love.  It took all week to complete the laundry, my kitchen floor is abominable, and I have a huge, messy pile of papers on my desk, but do you know what I decided?  That stuff can wait.  IT CAN WAIT.  It will always be there.  Childhood won't.

In other news:
1. I am obsessed with Downton Abbey.  (Super late to the party, I know.)  I'm halfway through season three.  I've been requesting that Taylor call me 'darling' in a British accent.  Totally swoony. 

2. My in-laws get back from the Philippines in 9 days.  NINE DAYS!  We are excited to party.

AND!

3. Today at Bloom we are hosting the first ever Penny&Tillie giveaway.  Check it here.

xo
anne

Declaration

{I almost cannot remember Roger this little.  The reality of which hurts my heart.}

Here's the thing of it.  Having small children is hard.  There is a lot of noise.  Mess.  Chaos.  Reminding.  Nagging.  Rewarding.  Punishing.  Wiping.  Tidying.  It's a lot of manual labor plus a whole lot more of trying to figure out what in heaven's name you are doing and wondering when your children are going to stop throwing hideous tantrums and if they are going to end up alright despite your ugliest moments of parenting.  And more often than not, these difficulties are what I voice with my friends and here on my blog because it's always on my mind--how to do this work better.

But I don't want it to go unsaid that I love this work.  I love these little people.  I love nursing my fat baby and kissing her neck after.  I love the way Carter says 'oh-tay Mama' after every single word I utter and 'tu-tu Mama' in thanks.  And the way he begs for a 'pess' when he has an ouchie.  A kiss makes everything better, dontcha know?  It startles me how giant Rog has become.  You haven't lived until you've seen him lie down next to Clara and heard him say, "Hey girl..."
And Blaine.  We still battle sometimes.  He's never seemed more dear or sincere than when he apologized to me tonight for being nasty all day and then hugged me for a century.  He is growing.  We all are.

Sometimes I dream of the day when I can go where I want, when I want, without any diapers, sippy cups, or carseats involved.  Just sounds so luxurious in this season of life.  But the thing is, when I get to that day I am going to be crying my guts out and wondering how my babies grew up so fast.

I really love this time.  I really love them.

Just sayin.

Monday rituals + other thoughts

I've devised a new cleaning schedule for myself, so things get more than just tidy around here.  I've broken my home into areas and clean one area each day (as it turns out I have cleaning ADD so areas work better for me than chores--for example my back hurts after vacuuming one room and I only like to clean one toilet at a time).  But Monday's job? "WEEKEND RECOVERY."  You know what I'm talking about.  The laundry, the dishes, the major tidy up after a busy Saturday and carefree Sunday.

I love Monday mornings.  They represent a blank canvas--a fresh start.  After getting Blaine off to school, we come home, plop Carts in his high chair and turn up the itunes (Brandon Flowers and other New Wave Revivalists Taylor has downloaded) as loud as possible.  Roger and I dance and jump on my bed like crazy and then I start throwing in laundry, clearing dishes, and planning the week.  It is glorious.

Here's what's on my mind this Monday:
I'm about 2/3 through Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven is Here.  Are you reading it?  If you thought you wouldn't buy it because you follow her blog and know her story, think again.  I've been following her every day for five years and I've been amazed at the details and feelings included in the book that I've never heard before.  What I love most in the book is the theme of understanding what true beauty is and all of the lessons about vanity, humility, love, and faith that tie in to that.  Here is my favorite bit so far:

"I missed my body in that moment and suddenly understood the gift a physical body is--even an injured body." (p. 143, Heaven is Here.)

I read that line over and over again and have been meditating on it all weekend.  I am trying to remember to be grateful for my body every minute.

Have a great Monday, dears.  And please know how much I loved and appreciated each of your comments following my last post.  It is such a blessing to have such wonderful people in my world.

xo,
anne

Learning from my mother and the kind of home I want

{Recent activity in my mother's home--making food animals with the boys (my mom is so cute) and
blackberry jam with Mom and Jessie}

Well gosh, thanks for your comments last time. It's good to know there's someone here. Like I said, it feels good just to journal here, but I have to say, it feels even better to feel like I'm connecting with people. As I anticipated, that's what I miss most about Bloom. Connecting with people and telling my story. So I'm glad I can still do that here. Thanks for your encouragement.

I've been thinking a lot about life and beauty and mothering and what matters. I told you last time I have given up a lot of design-y blogs because they make me want too much and distract me. That's not to say I don't care how my home looks or want to go shopping next weekend. It's all about balance I guess. And focus. I want my children to have a beautiful life but I don't want the materialism of it all to consume me. Does that make sense?

It's like this:
Yesterday I left the boys playing at my mom's house while I ran a couple of miles. As I was coming back up the hill to my parents' property, I smiled as I passed my mom's colorful flower mound at the front of their garden, took in the corn, the beans, the cantaloupe vines, the gourds, the pumpkins, the tomatoes, and more. My favorite curvy row in the garden is Mom's State Fair Zinnias--all sorts of huge, bold colors. I came in her house and looked around at her collection of dishes in her glass-front cabinet and the family pictures above her desk. As I gulped down a drink of water I looked at the jars of my brother's honey on the window ledge--light, dark, and darker. My favorite is the one with the honeycomb in it--pioneer honey.

My mother's home isn't extravagant, but it is beautiful. It has always been rich with color and comfort and home grown goodness. She likes to decorate, but it doesn't break the bank. Nor does it look like it was over-designed. (Nor has the teal 1988 furniture been replaced.) It looks like real people live there. There are always fresh flowers in the house--almost always from her yard. There is almost always a project going in the kitchen--mince meat pies, blackberry jam, chicken soup, oatmeal crunchies...

I love the home I grew up in. And that's what I'm trying to create for my children. A soft place to land. A place where beautiful and delicious things grow. A place that's tidy and happy and peaceful and fun. In my ideal world it would have a prettier light fixture in the dining area and hardwood floors in the living room, but I'm learning not to obsess over those things. (Hallelujah.)

loves,
anne

p.s. Sour cream chocolate frosting recipe? You got it, next time. Also, we've been enjoying every blackberry application there is--jam, pie, milkshakes, and cobbler. Ahhh...blackberries. I love thee, Oregon. Blackberry cobbler recipe HERE.

August

Yesterday we enjoyed a perfect, quiet evening with my parents at the ranch. Homemade chili and biscuits, then some runnin' around...

As far as I'm concerned, blackberry season is the best time of the year.

Hot dog!

Are you kiddin' me? Check out my birthday surprise! Can't even believe it...

xo
anne

I'm Even Managing Not to Have a Third-life Crisis

When my birthday is approaching I tend to think big. I dream of having my own sewing machine, receiving a gorgeous new necklace, or being surprised with a mint green cruiser. I picture myself cruising around the neighborhood on said bike, my hair blowing behind me, showing the world that 30 is still young.

{feel free to roll your eyes.}

But once the day actually comes (it's here! I'm 30 today!), I find myself far more content, and my dream wish list sort of just disintegrates. I'm happy to sleep in, nurse the baby in bed, and welcome the older two boys--pajama-clad and bed-hedded--to join our snuggle when they come downstairs. I'm content to work on laundry and wipe counters and plan a park outing. (And break up fights and clean up spills and wipe away tears.) I'm thrilled to have a mellow day to just marinate in my life.

Seven years ago this month I completed my eighteen month stint as a Mormon missionary. I came home, started dating my best friend, and got engaged within six weeks. I remember one night, after returning home from a date with Taylor, I burst into tears, picked up the phone, and dialed his number. It went to voice mail. After the beep I blurted out, in between sobs, "I just want to say that I'm so happy! All I ever wanted to do in my whole life was be a missionary and marry Taylor Cropper! I can't believe I got what I wanted! I am so grateful!"

And it just keeps getting better and better.

Who needs a wish list?




Not me.

xoxo,
anne

Argh...

It's so frustrating to be so behind in journaling. Partly there has been a LOT going on. And partly that lot is kind of going to be hard emotionally to recap, so I think I've been subconciously avoiding.

For today, while Blaine is at school for one more hour and Rog is sitting by me playing with his watermelon gum, I'll take a minute to show you some cute pics and make a list that will hopefully motivate me to recap soon.

1. What happens when Rog helps me bring the groceries in. Randomness strewn across the entry, celery out... Usually he ends up sitting down and opening up the strawberries and munching them while I finish. I love how excited Rog gets to help me do chores like this and his 2 1/2 year old way of executing them.

2 and 3. A Saturday evening I found charming. Indian Summer weather. Taylor pulled all of our tomato plants out and then sorted through what was still good and what rotted while we were out of town. I cut dahlias and the boys helped in their own special ways (i.e. Rog sorted through green tomatoes and Blaine rode his trike). I love growing things and I love that we do it all together.

4. Rog, asleep at Grandma Tillie's. Presh little soul.

And now a list of things I need to write about:

*My thoughts on having three sons.

*Our trip to Utah

*My trip to Ohio

to all three of you who still check this blog-- I love you. :)

Maui Re-cap

I'm trying to sort out my busy life. Here's my first attempt at journaling in months.

Hawaii was, needless to say, amazing. I was totally not excited about going--probably just anxiousness/guilt about leaving the boys. But as soon as the plane landed my attitude changed! We spent the week in Wailea, the southern part of Maui. Taylor had to work a bit for a few days, but we still managed to fit in a lot of snorkeling, swimming with sea turtles, lying on the beach, reading, getting massages in oceanside cabanas (!), eating eating eating, and enjoying the feeling of just us. It was heaven.

Things I'm missing most: the smell of plumeria everywhere, sleeping in and eating breakfast in bed every day, and swimming together at Big Beach.